I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just found puke in my bra..
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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