Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
