4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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