i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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