8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
