SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
are you so shy because you have an std?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
