I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
