Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
is that a dick in a sweater?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
