We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize