I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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