My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Randomize
