god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
