How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize