Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
