onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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