turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you will always have a special place in my vag
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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