just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
