what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
