If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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