whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Please don't give away my fajitas
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