I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
