if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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