I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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