what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
