Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
