and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
