bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
