Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
