And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
