I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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