Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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