Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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