My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
