oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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