My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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