no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
