Tell her she can't have a vagina
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
