Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
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