my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
