...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
