omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
