My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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