kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
