I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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