I can text with my tongue
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Randomize
