oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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