I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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