What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
