I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize