my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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