just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
