My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
