My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
