Soap is not a condiment
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
