You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
