I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize