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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
