The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
