I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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