Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
