Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
