One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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