My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
